Letter from an aggrieved Bhains !

Dear Gais and their children, 

We’ve always known that our steaks are low compared to our fair-skinned sisters, the holy Gai. For centuries we have been subjected to unfair treatment simply by virtue of our skin colour. Yet, nobody even bothered to ask us how it felt to be treated like a piece of beefcake. Not a single feminist organisation came to our rescue or raised slogans on our behalf. If Cow is your Maa, doesn’t that make us your aunty? Is this how the world’s greatest culture that gave the world Cowmasutra, treats its aunties! 

Is being born dark such a great sin that you’ll focus only at our inner boti and harbour unholy thoughts about us! We’ve suffered the indignities heaped on us with silence. We tolerated the blatant racism that even our shit is subjected to. Despite grazing at the same garbage bins and munching on the same plastic bags and bottles, cowdung is venerated and our shit gets equated to bullshit your elected representatives try to pass off as wisdom! 

And now shit has hit the hoof. 

Things have come to such a low for us that even the lowly goat has started getting more respect than us. Bhainsbehens association of India (BHAI) was far from amused when some union minister equated goats and cows to Maa-behens of Indian mankind. In fact, few of our behens are feeling suicidal and considering storing mutton dressed as beef in their refrigerator. 

What about us? Do we mean nothing to you? Does your heart not tremble when you don’t lynch men for daring to treat us as their lunch! 

Dear children of cows, you are committing a grave mistake by pitting BHAI against GAI. We will no longer take it lying down. We shall rise on all fours and like Arvind Grazeliwal start a raita phelao andolan. 

I don’t mean to brag. Rahul Gandhi has shown keen interest in having fodder with us. He’s also masticating on the possibility of empowering our lot. It is learnt from reliable sources that he’s arranging Jupiter’s escape velocity for our upliftment. 

Asha Bhainsle, spokesperson of BHAI has been contacted by none other than Arnab Gaiswami to appear on his show to debate on – Is Bhains the General Category of the Animal Caste system – The Nation Wants to Know! Or worse, are we the weaker sex! 

We surely feel like one. Ignored and left to our own devices, feted by none with reservations for cushy jobs and seats in IIT’s and medical colleges. If you can’t save us, education and sarkari jobs will. For long we have trodden the less grazed path. We are tired of being seen but not herd! 

How long will we carry pepper spray, dress in sacks and learn karate to protect ourselves from lecherous tongues? We dream of a day when you’ll sip our urine and be cured of bigotry and hate. We dream of a day when our calves will walk the streets with their tail held high, safe in the knowledge that if a man drools at them, a mob will collect and make mincemeat of him. 

Why should gais have all the fun! 

So, if you’ve drunk bhains ka doodh, don’t build sheds for us and let us feed on your garbage. Don’t fight poverty, prejudice, people who manipulate your hate to suit their divisive propaganda. Show your love by butchering those who butcher us. 

Waiting earnestly, 

Yours Sisterly if not motherly, 

an optimistic Bhains 

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Words to follow

Gai – Cow

Bhains – Buffalo

Boti – Chunk of meat

Bhainsbehens – Sister buffaloes

Rahul Gandhi & Arvind kejriwal – The greatest source of entertainment India ever produced.