Being “Too Nice”

via Daily Prompt: Critical

I don’t know if it’s an age thing or what happens when you truly start to value yourself, but for some reason, you just stop tolerating bullshit as you grow up. You stop trying to force things that are harder than they should be. You stop being okay with accepting less than you deserve and you avoid people who drain you.

If you reach a point where you reject anything you have to force or anyone who diminishes your self-worth, then you’ve officially matured and learned that anything forced will always be temporary and anyone who diminishes your self-worth will never be the person who brings out the best in you.

I’ve always been known for being ‘too nice’ or ‘too sweet’ or ‘too kind’ and I think it’s because I was always trying to fill the void inside me with the noise of others because I couldn’t stand the silence, I couldn’t stand the emptiness, I didn’t love my own voice. I was always the person who would try again and again until I get what I want, or be too forgiving and too accommodating to keep people in my life or just try to make peace with people who hurt me so I can always be known as the bigger person.

I always wanted things to go right. I was always afraid of losing. Losing friends, losing exes, losing family members, losing colleagues or losing anything really. I associated losing with failure, especially losing people, I thought that it said something about me, that I’m unloved or that I’m easily forgotten and I would do anything to avoid that feeling because it was my biggest fear. I always wanted to be loved. I always wanted to be remembered.

Until I realized that holding on to certain people out of fear hurts even more than losing them. Holding on to people who don’t love you or respect you just so you can feel loved is the perfect recipe for self-destruction.

And that’s when I learned the power and beauty of letting go, that’s when I learned that it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality, that’s when I learned that it doesn’t matter who loves because what matters is how much you’re loved and what kind of love you’re receiving; if it’s genuine, if it’s real and if it makes you a better person.

In my case, it was the opposite, a lot of people who supposedly loved me were the ones who slowly made me unlove myself because I used to put them first, listen to their words over mine, trust their vision more than mine and see myself through their eyes and it made me feel ugly. It made me feel like I’m a thousand different characters and it made me lose any self-respect or self-love I had for myself and being critical all the time.

When I started listening to myself, putting myself first, saying no and believing in myself, it caused an upheaval in my inner circle because I was always the one who glued everything together and now I’m the one tearing everything apart. They didn’t like it. They didn’t like losing. They didn’t like being in the position I’ve always unabashedly put myself in.

And that’s what happens when your self-respect finds its way back to you, you reject anything forced, you reject anyone manipulative, you reject anyone abusive and you magically find the strength within you to just walk away from the people you once thought you couldn’t live without.

So you start losing people, but in this case, it’s a win-win situation because, on the flip side, you attract people who respect you and appreciate you and see you with new eyes that open yours. You start seeing yourself in a new light, you start seeing life in a new light. You get out of the darkness and you start realizing that sometimes the people who were sheltering you from the storm were only preventing you from seeing the rainbow. 

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46 thoughts on “Being “Too Nice”

  1. You know, some people will call you selfish and way in over your head for that, but that’s really how humans should be. Whatever may be the reason, you definitely should value yourself for what you’re worth (not more either because ego and overconfidence are recipes for disaster) but as you correctly said, you’ll attract more genuine people that way. People who see you as you really are, selfish to bare needs, yet kind at the same time. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Wow! Great job Neal! “anything forced will always be temporary” so so so true! I have always believed this. And I also like how you said “holding on to certain people out of fear hurts even more than losing them.” This gives me shivers, as I relate a little too much! Great job.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Beautiful and TRUUUUUUUUUUUE post, Neal. I can always count on you for a diamond of a post after a short but well worth it wait .
    I’ve now stopped being “too nice”. It was detrimental to all aspects of myself.
    I am now full of love and “nice” only to those who truly deserve it.
    Best wishes 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Maria. It takes a lot of effort to say yes, when we really mean no, to say we’re okay, when we’re really not, to always focus on the other person’s needs, when we have a boatload of needs of our own. So after a season of being “too nice,” there was always that inevitable point where I exhausted myself, where I couldn’t go on another minute without rest. And since I did not understand the nature of my fears, and I could not see a way out of my self-imposed bondage, the only option I could ever envision was retreating, so that I could go to my alone room, and be who I really was.

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  4. Such powerful words, are only found in the castles of self exploratory souls!
    It is touching, not in fancy ways of the world, but it strikes a chord deep inside!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oye!!! Nhi! Not so soon! So technically, rather medically, I can get it removed this Saturday (tomorrow).
        However, I am setting off to Spiti (if you find that bragging, then I shall confess my sin)!
        I don’t want to goof up with the hand again, so I’ll get it removed, once I come back. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha ! I don’t mind your bragging. It’s more of a win win for me the more you travel cause I will wake up to read your crazy adventures and those beautiful photos that carry so much soul in them.

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  5. I can totally connect with this last line, “You get out of the darkness and you start realizing that sometimes the people who were sheltering you from the storm were only preventing you from seeing the rainbow. ”
    I suppose we all do it, we have been conditioned to put other’s feelings, needs and requirements before us. I am guilty of falling into this trap but less often than I used to.
    Not one to put up a pleasant face if I do not feel pleasant, I used to swallow my words, just to keep up the peace but slowly and steadily I have found my voice, at the cost of being stamped as ‘arrogant’, ‘not respectful enough’, but when was anything enough?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It was so stupid of me to let people who belittle, conspire against me surround me. busy triangulating – this person is abusive god, priest etc, extremely rude- evil eye blah blah relatives and others like them…just because you valued them, they didn’t take a second to show their meanness. Crossing boundaries was a norm. But luckily the earlier part of my life had been spent among those who made me who I am. Who taught me respect others as well as myself. I recieved love so nurturing that strengthens my core, that always stays with me…And I realised that they don’t deserve me. I am not afraid of losing people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. the fact is our society is heavily loaded with condescending and patronizing people apart from sarcastic or overly rude behaviour that often yields to conspiracy and backbiting. I tolerated until I begun to explode every now and then. Your sense of self worth, your self esteem gets a huge hit. Once I was at their mercy. I was trying to express it some other way, begging for my respect but finally I got up for me. These people didn’t stop at that. For the sake of winning they continued their bullshit. That’s when I realised that I need a healthier environment.
      I do relate to your post. Thanks for writing. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Maybe all those things we do to other people are driven by hope — hope that someone deems us worthy enough to be heard, to be understood Smita ji.

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      2. Hope so, Neal ji. Understanding has become one of the rarest things now-a-days. I was just reading “the absurdity of social media” on bitchspot…earn free ticket to asylum. It’s always nice to read your posts. I was missing this place. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I have read your articles Neal ji. Aap kitna achchha likhte hain! It’s perfectly cromulent for a person like you to be hailed as a blogging prodigy. Thanks for edifying us with your exception knowledge regarding boundaries, relationships, empathy, how to protect women’s dignity etc.. the more I read, the more I need…👏👏

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Aapka badappan hain ki aap humhe is layak samajti hain. Agar mujse pucha jaaye toh mein humesha se hi inkaar karta rahunga ki meri baaton mein koi khasiyat hain. Asha karta hoon ki aap thik hain. Arsa ho gaya aapse kuch sune hue. 🙂

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